Animal Crossing: New Horizons is my first and only experience into the Animal Crossing universe (other than a few minutes of Pocket Camp on my phone). I’ve heard many people complain about Tom Nook, and yes he is a mob boss who runs your island. But, he’s the friendliest mob boss I’ve ever met. No one in the history of the world has ever said, “We will build out your new home before you even begin to pay us back on this zero interest loan.” Tom Nook may partake in some shady side dealings, but he’s always been good to me, so I will not besmirch his good name.

I bet you’re thinking the “real villains” of Animal Crossing are the wasps. Well, they aren’t. The wasps are just doing their job, they’re just doing what wasps do. If you shake a tree in real life and a wasp nest falls to the ground, you better run because you just ruined their day and they are pissed right now and out for vengeance. No, the real villains are those two no-good nephews of Tom Nook. They are the real Crooks of the Animal Crossing: New Horizons world:

Sure, those two have given me plenty of bells over these past couple of months — whether on my island or while visiting someone else’s to sell turnips (using the Turnip Exchange). However, their shop (Nook’s Cranny) does have some strange policies and practices in place.

NO RETURN POLICY? 

I’m sure many of you have purchased an item from Nook’s Cranny which you already happened to own and did not need a second one. In most stores, in the real world, you can just come back with said unused/unopened item and return it for a full refund (possibly a store credit). Nook’s Cranny does not believe in this policy. Instead, they will buy back whatever you bought from them at a heavily-discounted rate when compared to what you paid for it (these two are the Gamestop of the Animal Crossing universe. They are the Bill’s Bookstore. They are the Eagle Saver).

Sure, if I happened to display the item somewhere on my island or play with it in some way, there should be some sort of depreciation when I come to sell it back. The other day I just bought a Rocket Lamp in the store for 1,500 bells as an experiment I tried to sell it back immediately without even leaving the store, and they only offered me 375 bells, that’s 75% depreciation in seconds (I also tested this theory with a LONG BATH TUB I paid 7,800 bells for and was only offered 1,950 bells in return).

Lucky for them, their mob boss uncle runs things in my town (and every other town), so they get away with whatever they want. Of course, I’m not blaming Tom Nook because I would never say anything bad about the guy — but once again, his nephews are the scum of Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

PRICING

For some reason these two just randomly get to choose what Turnips are worth each day on everyone’s island. They also get to choose how much to give you for each item you sell to them, and how much to charge. The math rarely adds up. (examples: I can never guess what an item will cost. While a [item] is only [$$$] bells, [other item] is [$$$] bells. How does any of this make any sense at all?)

I can never guess which of the three rare daily items lined up on the back wall will be worth the most bells. Most of the time it’s the thing I didn’t really want that’s worth the most, but every time it’s the one I least expect, I’m sorry, a tiger print screen costs how much now?

Why are flowers so cheap? Why am I wasting my time crossbreeding flowers? I had random flowers scattered across my island and decided it was time to clean up, so I sold a bunch of flowers back to the young Nooks. I quickly realized all flowers are worthless when it comes to making bells, so I decided which flowers I actually want and am only working towards those, in small batches (I want black roses, mums and cosmos).

WHERE DO ALL THE CRITTERS GO?

When I first began selling my extra bugs, fish, butterflies and living creatures to Timmy and Tommy, I thought they were probably just re-releasing them into the wild — and the cycle would continue. After seeing the way these two do business though, I’m not so sure. I now believe that they are actually eating or possibly doing something way worse with these critters.

Knowing that Nook’s Cranny closes from 10 PM till 8 AM each night makes me wonder what these two are up to? I bet they ascend their secret staircase behind the register and instead of the normal bunk beds that you would imagine them to sleep in, there is something much, much darker. 

Perhaps they have their own tiny upstairs museum. Maybe they hold bug fights with the other townspeople, who are pretending to be asleep. Maybe they just turn these critters into late night snackies? Or worse, perhaps they sacrifice them over a pentagram to the dark lord of Animal Crossing — Blathers? Redd? Flick? CJ? Isabelle? Gulliver? GullivARR???

I’m sure some of you would call Mr. Tom Nook the Dark Lord of AC:NH, but he has never left his post in the town square. Tom Nook’s business hours are 24/7, the man does not sleep. Him and Isabelle party all night long (although I have seen Isabelle leave her post on weekends). The only time he ever leaves is to celebrate new additions to the town. So, if you think you have a problem with Tom Nook, maybe you should take another look at his two nephews and what they’re up to.

P.S. Blathers is another great employee of the island who never leaves his post. Sure, he spends the whole day asleep on the job. But, what do you expect? He’s an owl who stands on his feet all day waiting for you to bring him fossils and creatures. It’s an exciting job when he gets them but not so much when he’s just waiting around for you as you do other chores on your island.

[After more than 200 hours in Animal Crossing I still recommend it to anyone who owns a Switch, and if you don’t own a Switch, I would say you should buy one just for this game. I’ve already rolled credits and had KK Slider perform on my island, Ferdington, but there’s still so much to do, plus seasonal updates will keep me coming back to ferdington for years to come. It’s now pumpkin season and I’m having such a gourd time!]